August 26, 2004
All Hail the power of complicit simplicity!
Of all the wonderful folks I’ve had the pleasure to meet and deal with in my life, American Muslims are the nicest, W'Allah! (I swear by almighty god!!!) If you’ve ever had the yearning to work for an american muslim, I urge you now to jump at the chance. It’s an exhilarating experience, to say the least. If you come to the UAE to work with _______, keep an eye out for the muslim american people in this company. Seek them out. Get to know them. Be their friends. Why should you do these things? Because it is they who will bend over backwards to help you. Every step of the way, in your new overseas post, in the middle of the desert, they will help you – W'Allah! (I swear by almighty god!!!), they will help you.
Every American Muslim I ever met was extremely helpful in every way possible - Ya Allah! (Praise be to god!), the most high and his messenger Mojo-hamed (peace be upon him, brother)! In fact, I would even go so far to say that if it weren’t for the american muslims I’ve met over here, I’d be in far different circs than I am now. May Allah (god) heap multitudes of blessings upon them for their kindnesses towards me in this regard.
I’ve been in the UAE for a thousand years now, working for ________ a Canadian company who has had, (up to now at least), a contract with the department of _________ in the UAE to deliver __________ Instruction to Emirati boys in vocational high schools.
Sounds like a really sweet deal doesn’t it? I read in a forum on an absolutely wonderful site for UGH!, that _________ is actively recruiting new teachers for this year.It’s nice to hear rumors that they are in fact getting the contract again this year. I started on with _______ a way back when – one thousand years hence. Therefore you can trust me as a guy with a VAST! VAST! VAST! amount of UAE experience, Middle East, and/or other international experience in general.
Oh yeah, I am: “the real Slim Shady”, to boot. Yes that’s right folks. “Zisooksike a job for me so everybody (pause) jist follow me…”, etc. (with only slight apologies to Malcom Marshall, Marshall Malcom).
Something that I couldn’t seem to get my head around in the first couple of months of working for ______ is how a Canadian company’s project in the Middle East, 12, 000 kilometres from its HQ in T.O., could still function as a Canadian company’s project with a such a VAST! (there’s that word again!), number of mostly ameri-muslim convert managers on the project that worked for another company on the same project previously – a company whose contract performance back then was bad enough to lose the contract for them, namely SuSPECT?
Rumour and fact both have it that SuSPECT lost the contract because of mismanagement of the project in general.Naturally, I was utterly amazed to discover within a month or two of working with ______, that many of the key leadership positions in ______ were filled mainly by the very same lead teachers and managers that had been in place for the SuSPECT company’s attempt at contract delivery. Eventually though, I came to understand that these leaders in place with ______ were indeed good men, men of real character – after all most of them were Ameri-Muslim converts.
Actually, last year one of the bleeps with _____ was simply an American – rather than the double whammy of being Muslim and American, and a couple of the bleeps were simply Muslims (rather than the double whammy, etc. – you get the picture) who happened to be (ahem) Canadian instead of American.“How could SuSPECT go wrong then, having had so many good men of real character leading the way for them?”, was the question I turned over again and again in my head as I adjusted to the 45-degree July/August/September heat.
And then, slowly but surely, as the ambient heat baked me to a light olive brown crisp, I began to see the light of ______’s complex leadership structure. Then suddenly, I had an Epiphany, as it were. In that moment, I understood (or claimed to), that the leadership of _______’s project in UAE is in fact built on that good ol’ fashioned notion that men of real character, in fact, rise to the challenge of leadership NO MATTER WHICH company they happen to be employed by.
At that moment, I too may have converted to Isssslammmm had it not been for the distraction of the gorgeously face-painted, hot-legged “night butterfly” clicking her stilletos through the lobby of the Metropolitan, looking a bit richer than she was two minutes ago and slightly flushed. I lost my train of thought completely my wide eyes on the night butterfly. I stared with the guiltlessness of a real Muslim’s soul and thought nothing further of complex leadership structures. Instead I found myself at that moment filled with jealous yearning at the wonderful freedom that Islam's guilt-free living must bring. Heck, if I get 70 young virgins to pleasure me sexually in heaven anyway, (once I happen to martyr myself in the neighborhood Mulla's version of "holy war" anyway), why not start now?
Oh, how I’d love to emulate and imitate the good men of real character leading ________’s project. These men are the ones to be lauded. Muslims by birth yet full-frontal citizens of the western world. "Amerimuslims", tired of the “two-faced nature” of all of the freedoms that North America guarantees them as passport holders. Desert-returning, burnt out American managers who no longer work for American companies (for SOME reason, mmm...), preferring rather to return to “the ____ project” and have another go at “management in the Middle East” (after their previous company was booted off the project for mismanagement).
These are the types of men who, here in the UAE, have risen through the ranks of by virtue of their demonstrated, seemingly almost naïve’, acts of faith alone. Add to that their markedly simple-yet-determined tendencies towards honesty, nobility, and chivalry, all virtues upheld by the honest, no-nonsense religion that they decided to take-on later in life, or even, having not yet taken it on, at least, have become the clockwork middlemen giving outstanding performances as being necessarily subservient towards Muslim managers higher-up in the company.
Having enjoyed a thousand pleasurable years working with such honourable, exemplary specimens of what it really means to be a Muslim, an effective leader, a good person, and a man of real character, I look forward with great anticipation to the day when I can find some way to return the favours these beautiful people have heaped upon me in the last three years.
I yearn for the day when I can repay what I owe these good men of real character. So much so that I will now I swear before Allah (almighty god), to one day return their kindnesses, if any of our paths have the destined privilege of crossing again. Hang on to your seats boys, really tight now! Cuz I’m a comin’ thru! YEEEEEHAAAAAAW!
As for the Arabic language and culture in the UAE, they remain as mysterious and sultry as ever and if any of y’all want a piece of the UAE pie, get ready for “the bull-ride” of your life, so to speak. Enjoy it. It may last a thousand years or only eight seconds, but it’ll be the best damn thousand-years-forward-slash-eight-seconds of your life! Git' along “little doughggy”!
Eye's about to show you the ropes, "ma nigga! got me ma own personal nigga", (Densel Washington to Ethan Hawk in Training Day). Ya bettah concentrate ya’ heah’ me boy?! Ya’ heah’ me, boy?! That’s right! That’s what I’m talkin’ about, right heah, boy.
My advice to anyone who wishes to “teach” on _______’s project in the UAE, is to convert to Islam first then obtain an American passport somehow, some way. It seems to me that these two skills above all others will be the most highly sought after by ________’s project in the UAE next year. One exception may be the unflinching "skill" of looking bored when a very-well-mannered, nice, fifteen-year-old Iranian boy with a big Iranian nose, and immunity (a local UAE passport), whose father runs the police station down near the beach, pulls a six inch knife on you and waves it under YOUR nose and says, jokingly, OF COURSE: “teecha’, I will kill you now”.
Relax man, he’s just acting out normal adolescent urges, you’ll be fine me-lad. Tell the headmaster everything is fine in your class and that you have no discipline problems with the boys, that they love their English language lessons too, and that you love them all like your brothers, and Allah be praised, naturally. Have a bit of a laugh and think about how you used to have to tell your little brother to quit bugging you as you try to do serious things. Find and use that tone of voice now, calmly, and tell the 15-year old with the knife to sit down and please put his knife away, thanks. Oh yeah, remember also to give him a passing mark on the month-end test because your head master, lead teacher, and current project manager/smelly-breathed clown told you to do so inorder to keep your job, and ALSO OF COURSE, because the young man demonstrated such good English speaking skills in the above knife-nose encounter with a native English speaker.
Welcome, please. "Teecha, U R good teecha, W’Allah! U R good teecha!” Uh, thanks, I guess. W'Allah? Do you really swear by the almighty god that I am a good teacher? Well tie me to a fuggin' purebred racehorse and have him drag me a couple times round the fuggin' 1/4 mile! I'll be a swaggering drunkard! Young Yahya here thinks I'm a good teacher. Isn't that special? Anyone got a whip so I can turn his young Arab ass red for all the shit he's put me through in his classroom this year?! Come on, anyone! Step right up don't be shy, my lovely Arab boys here need a good whuppin' every once in a minute. Daddy didn't whup 'im, mummy didn't whup 'im, nanny didn't whup 'im. I ask you then, who's it left to to whup the asses of these boys into the Arab men they emulate only by their brashness and disregard for anything other than the barbarism they seem so to relish? The teacher, the headmaster, the Indian storemen who endure the boys thieving tomfoolery, the police that are charged with curbing the societal rablerousing of their younger brothers. That's who. I ain't nevr raised a hand agin one of em. You know why? I ain't Arab. I ain't Iranian. I don't have hot Arab blood in me. I'm the most patient man on the earth when it comes to dealing with the PUNTERS - to borrow the infamous youthful English alias. Because I happen to care about these pea-brained buttheads. But damn, I seen the Arab teachers and the headmasters get pretty vicious on their asses - drawing blood, in fact.
Did I mention to y'all that the Yellow Rose of Texas is the only girl for me? My apologies, Wa ALLAH! (I swear by almighty god!!!!), I simply keep forgetting to tell people that. A Non-Muslim, Non-American in the UAE is what I am, thank Allah (the most high god).
Drivel drivel,
drivel on, the devil's
in the wings of
the eastern religion's
domes and parapats.
gold leaf and
inner emptyness
glazed eyes, five daily
water up the nose
o woman outlawed
you kant pray here!
the petty temptation
of men behind you
staring
at your raised bum
when you touch
your forehead
faithfully to the
ground before god
keeps you bound
and is the fuggin excuse
they seriously gave
gay muslim men though?
aroused by
raised arses
of their brothers
in the mosque?!
appear allowed to stay
kutchy kutchy, koo,
"teacha, i love you"
OUTRAGE!!!!
FATWA upon the head
of the writer!!!!
kill the author!!!
satanic verses:
the devil lives in the
phalic / islamic
parapat
quit, already, okay?
peter out!
ineffective
subhuman
repressive
'means'
to
almighty god
peter out, quickly.
mojo and your
band of merry
warlords of old
you embarass
the 21st century
middle east
Every American Muslim I ever met was extremely helpful in every way possible - Ya Allah! (Praise be to god!), the most high and his messenger Mojo-hamed (peace be upon him, brother)! In fact, I would even go so far to say that if it weren’t for the american muslims I’ve met over here, I’d be in far different circs than I am now. May Allah (god) heap multitudes of blessings upon them for their kindnesses towards me in this regard.
I’ve been in the UAE for a thousand years now, working for ________ a Canadian company who has had, (up to now at least), a contract with the department of _________ in the UAE to deliver __________ Instruction to Emirati boys in vocational high schools.
Sounds like a really sweet deal doesn’t it? I read in a forum on an absolutely wonderful site for UGH!, that _________ is actively recruiting new teachers for this year.It’s nice to hear rumors that they are in fact getting the contract again this year. I started on with _______ a way back when – one thousand years hence. Therefore you can trust me as a guy with a VAST! VAST! VAST! amount of UAE experience, Middle East, and/or other international experience in general.
Oh yeah, I am: “the real Slim Shady”, to boot. Yes that’s right folks. “Zisooksike a job for me so everybody (pause) jist follow me…”, etc. (with only slight apologies to Malcom Marshall, Marshall Malcom).
Something that I couldn’t seem to get my head around in the first couple of months of working for ______ is how a Canadian company’s project in the Middle East, 12, 000 kilometres from its HQ in T.O., could still function as a Canadian company’s project with a such a VAST! (there’s that word again!), number of mostly ameri-muslim convert managers on the project that worked for another company on the same project previously – a company whose contract performance back then was bad enough to lose the contract for them, namely SuSPECT?
Rumour and fact both have it that SuSPECT lost the contract because of mismanagement of the project in general.Naturally, I was utterly amazed to discover within a month or two of working with ______, that many of the key leadership positions in ______ were filled mainly by the very same lead teachers and managers that had been in place for the SuSPECT company’s attempt at contract delivery. Eventually though, I came to understand that these leaders in place with ______ were indeed good men, men of real character – after all most of them were Ameri-Muslim converts.
Actually, last year one of the bleeps with _____ was simply an American – rather than the double whammy of being Muslim and American, and a couple of the bleeps were simply Muslims (rather than the double whammy, etc. – you get the picture) who happened to be (ahem) Canadian instead of American.“How could SuSPECT go wrong then, having had so many good men of real character leading the way for them?”, was the question I turned over again and again in my head as I adjusted to the 45-degree July/August/September heat.
And then, slowly but surely, as the ambient heat baked me to a light olive brown crisp, I began to see the light of ______’s complex leadership structure. Then suddenly, I had an Epiphany, as it were. In that moment, I understood (or claimed to), that the leadership of _______’s project in UAE is in fact built on that good ol’ fashioned notion that men of real character, in fact, rise to the challenge of leadership NO MATTER WHICH company they happen to be employed by.
At that moment, I too may have converted to Isssslammmm had it not been for the distraction of the gorgeously face-painted, hot-legged “night butterfly” clicking her stilletos through the lobby of the Metropolitan, looking a bit richer than she was two minutes ago and slightly flushed. I lost my train of thought completely my wide eyes on the night butterfly. I stared with the guiltlessness of a real Muslim’s soul and thought nothing further of complex leadership structures. Instead I found myself at that moment filled with jealous yearning at the wonderful freedom that Islam's guilt-free living must bring. Heck, if I get 70 young virgins to pleasure me sexually in heaven anyway, (once I happen to martyr myself in the neighborhood Mulla's version of "holy war" anyway), why not start now?
Oh, how I’d love to emulate and imitate the good men of real character leading ________’s project. These men are the ones to be lauded. Muslims by birth yet full-frontal citizens of the western world. "Amerimuslims", tired of the “two-faced nature” of all of the freedoms that North America guarantees them as passport holders. Desert-returning, burnt out American managers who no longer work for American companies (for SOME reason, mmm...), preferring rather to return to “the ____ project” and have another go at “management in the Middle East” (after their previous company was booted off the project for mismanagement).
These are the types of men who, here in the UAE, have risen through the ranks of by virtue of their demonstrated, seemingly almost naïve’, acts of faith alone. Add to that their markedly simple-yet-determined tendencies towards honesty, nobility, and chivalry, all virtues upheld by the honest, no-nonsense religion that they decided to take-on later in life, or even, having not yet taken it on, at least, have become the clockwork middlemen giving outstanding performances as being necessarily subservient towards Muslim managers higher-up in the company.
Having enjoyed a thousand pleasurable years working with such honourable, exemplary specimens of what it really means to be a Muslim, an effective leader, a good person, and a man of real character, I look forward with great anticipation to the day when I can find some way to return the favours these beautiful people have heaped upon me in the last three years.
I yearn for the day when I can repay what I owe these good men of real character. So much so that I will now I swear before Allah (almighty god), to one day return their kindnesses, if any of our paths have the destined privilege of crossing again. Hang on to your seats boys, really tight now! Cuz I’m a comin’ thru! YEEEEEHAAAAAAW!
As for the Arabic language and culture in the UAE, they remain as mysterious and sultry as ever and if any of y’all want a piece of the UAE pie, get ready for “the bull-ride” of your life, so to speak. Enjoy it. It may last a thousand years or only eight seconds, but it’ll be the best damn thousand-years-forward-slash-eight-seconds of your life! Git' along “little doughggy”!
Eye's about to show you the ropes, "ma nigga! got me ma own personal nigga", (Densel Washington to Ethan Hawk in Training Day). Ya bettah concentrate ya’ heah’ me boy?! Ya’ heah’ me, boy?! That’s right! That’s what I’m talkin’ about, right heah, boy.
My advice to anyone who wishes to “teach” on _______’s project in the UAE, is to convert to Islam first then obtain an American passport somehow, some way. It seems to me that these two skills above all others will be the most highly sought after by ________’s project in the UAE next year. One exception may be the unflinching "skill" of looking bored when a very-well-mannered, nice, fifteen-year-old Iranian boy with a big Iranian nose, and immunity (a local UAE passport), whose father runs the police station down near the beach, pulls a six inch knife on you and waves it under YOUR nose and says, jokingly, OF COURSE: “teecha’, I will kill you now”.
Relax man, he’s just acting out normal adolescent urges, you’ll be fine me-lad. Tell the headmaster everything is fine in your class and that you have no discipline problems with the boys, that they love their English language lessons too, and that you love them all like your brothers, and Allah be praised, naturally. Have a bit of a laugh and think about how you used to have to tell your little brother to quit bugging you as you try to do serious things. Find and use that tone of voice now, calmly, and tell the 15-year old with the knife to sit down and please put his knife away, thanks. Oh yeah, remember also to give him a passing mark on the month-end test because your head master, lead teacher, and current project manager/smelly-breathed clown told you to do so inorder to keep your job, and ALSO OF COURSE, because the young man demonstrated such good English speaking skills in the above knife-nose encounter with a native English speaker.
Welcome, please. "Teecha, U R good teecha, W’Allah! U R good teecha!” Uh, thanks, I guess. W'Allah? Do you really swear by the almighty god that I am a good teacher? Well tie me to a fuggin' purebred racehorse and have him drag me a couple times round the fuggin' 1/4 mile! I'll be a swaggering drunkard! Young Yahya here thinks I'm a good teacher. Isn't that special? Anyone got a whip so I can turn his young Arab ass red for all the shit he's put me through in his classroom this year?! Come on, anyone! Step right up don't be shy, my lovely Arab boys here need a good whuppin' every once in a minute. Daddy didn't whup 'im, mummy didn't whup 'im, nanny didn't whup 'im. I ask you then, who's it left to to whup the asses of these boys into the Arab men they emulate only by their brashness and disregard for anything other than the barbarism they seem so to relish? The teacher, the headmaster, the Indian storemen who endure the boys thieving tomfoolery, the police that are charged with curbing the societal rablerousing of their younger brothers. That's who. I ain't nevr raised a hand agin one of em. You know why? I ain't Arab. I ain't Iranian. I don't have hot Arab blood in me. I'm the most patient man on the earth when it comes to dealing with the PUNTERS - to borrow the infamous youthful English alias. Because I happen to care about these pea-brained buttheads. But damn, I seen the Arab teachers and the headmasters get pretty vicious on their asses - drawing blood, in fact.
Did I mention to y'all that the Yellow Rose of Texas is the only girl for me? My apologies, Wa ALLAH! (I swear by almighty god!!!!), I simply keep forgetting to tell people that. A Non-Muslim, Non-American in the UAE is what I am, thank Allah (the most high god).
Drivel drivel,
drivel on, the devil's
in the wings of
the eastern religion's
domes and parapats.
gold leaf and
inner emptyness
glazed eyes, five daily
water up the nose
o woman outlawed
you kant pray here!
the petty temptation
of men behind you
staring
at your raised bum
when you touch
your forehead
faithfully to the
ground before god
keeps you bound
and is the fuggin excuse
they seriously gave
gay muslim men though?
aroused by
raised arses
of their brothers
in the mosque?!
appear allowed to stay
kutchy kutchy, koo,
"teacha, i love you"
OUTRAGE!!!!
FATWA upon the head
of the writer!!!!
kill the author!!!
satanic verses:
the devil lives in the
phalic / islamic
parapat
quit, already, okay?
peter out!
ineffective
subhuman
repressive
'means'
to
almighty god
peter out, quickly.
mojo and your
band of merry
warlords of old
you embarass
the 21st century
middle east
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